theres a pit*

Tonight there is a pit in my stomache, as I anxiously wait tomorrow's appointment. I have been waiting for this appointment for so long, wanting it to come, why now do I want it to go away, be put off for another few months? If we just keep holding on, and waiting, wont her heart heal itself? I don't know if I should smile, or if I should cry. I also don't know how I will feel after having an actually date. What would you guys do? Ignore it until that date came, or have a count down like it's a huge celebration. I wish I could pin point some words that would make all of you understand, but I just can't. Tomorrow Aubrey is going to see her Cardiologist and we will set a date for her heart surgery. call it overwhelming, bittersweet, catch 22 or whatever else. Its a ball full of emotions all rolled into one.I am hoping that by some slim chance when we start talking dates for this stepping stone in the journey this little girl has allowed us to be a part of, they will take into consideration what would work for our family, as well as be safe for Aubrey. I would like to see the surgery happen is Aug. that way in Sept. 1 it will not interfer with Tagen starting his second year of preschool, and 2 I will be able to go back to work and see my kiddies I miss so much! When Aubrey was first born I had questions on what to do next, well after seeing all the specialists it became a waiting game, the questions were all answered and we just had to sit back enjoy the ride and wait. After getting the date all these new questions are going to arise, how long will the surgery be, how long is the recovery, where are close hotels near the hospital, which one of us will sleep in her room, will I be able to handle all the IVs and machines she's hooked up to, will I be able to handle waiting in the waiting room. All these questions are running through my mind now that I know tomorrow is the day we will have a date. Its werid you pick a date for a wedding, and you pick a certain date for a party, but to pick a date for your child to go into open heart surgery? I just can't seem to come to grips with it.

This morning I was talking to one of my best friends, and she was telling me how Aubrey will be great and how we are doing so much now to help her in the long run, and those words brought me back to reality and made me feel like I was going to be okay again. This friend as a way of making me feel as if I am my old self. Even if we are not on the subject of Aubrey, she has a way of making me feel like me again, and making me feel as if my life is the way its supposet to be, despite everything. For this I can't thank her enough and I couldn't ask for a better friend. It's the little things that people say to me that make me feel okay again. As I write this blog I think of not only how I am feeling but, how people reading my blog will feel. I want everyone who follows my blog to understand just by taking the time to read this makes a difference to me. It makes me feel as if my story and Aubrey's journey isn't just important to the family, and close friends.