The very first one...

My name is Jessica, I am 23 years old, a mother of 2. My son Tagen just turned 4 May 29th, My daughter Aubrey is now 8 months old, she was born on October 3rd. Sam (my husband) and I have been together for 7 years and married for 2 of those seven years.

Aubrey was born a little earlier then we expected, she also came with a complete AV canal defect and down syndrome, although it was a shock to my husband Sam and I, as well as the rest of our family, we took it one day at a time and we are now patiently waiting for her surgery. Aubrey was a month early but weighted 6.9lbs. which to me that was a very good weight, right? Shortly after Aubrey was born she was brought into the NICU due to being 1 day shy of full term, she was in there for 4hours which to me it seemed like it was days- I just wanted my baby, I just wanted to hold her and stare at her because when I first saw her I thought something didn't look right, every mothers nightmare? I think so, but I needed her with me, I needed to be able to put my finger on what I "thought" was wrong. Finally she was wheeled back in, in the metal and plastic hospital beds for babies I guess you could say. I took her in my arms and looked and looked and saw a beautiful healthy baby, I was crazy for thinking something was wrong, of course it looked like there was something wrong she was just born, its hard for us women to be in labor but of course Aubrey had to do all the traveling, that's why her eyes looked like they did. Family and friends visited that whole day, and nurses seemed to just stay away, I thought maybe because there was so many people, then I started to feel as if I was being avoided, the next day came and the pediatrician was coming in to do her newborn check up, he was running a little late, but ended up coming in, my room was filled with family, and he had asked if they could step out for a minute while he talked to Sam and I. He started talking and talking in a round about way and started to say things about different facial features, and I just blurted out "DOWN SYNDROME, you ARE saying she has features of a child with down syndrome." he looked at the nurse looked at me and looked to the ground and said "well yes, we are going to order a blood test." That was it, I wasn't crazy this is what I was thinking the day before, this is what I thought I knew, why didn't I speak up? Was it denial, was it sadness, was it that I just didn't care about what she had, was I selfish and just cared that I was holding my child in my arms, maybe it was a little of each. The days after that were kind of a blurr, I just went through the motions got up showered, got dressed, talked to people yada yada yadda, that was what I was supposed to be doing right? I didn't let people see me cry, I didn't let them know how upset I was really was. I would bring Tagen to preschool and everyone would ask how the baby was and I was say " oh shes GREAT, such a good baby." when I returned home I would find myself on the ground crying uncontrollably. I received the phone call I had been waiting for, the doctor on the other line said "well test results are in, she has trisomy 21, in all 100 chromosomes we tested the 21st in everyone has 3." I didn't understand any of this, I said okay thanks and hung up the phone, took a minute and then realized I had no idea what to do next. I called the doctor back and asked if he could see us in his office the next day so I knew what I had to do. We went to the doctors office and talked to the doctor for a while, he had already made some phone calls to the down syndrome clinic in Boston, then he said he was going to take a listen, the next news we got was he heard a heart murmur and we needed to go see a cardiologist, I was numb completely dumbfounded, Sam and I walked out of the office the Secretary called and said you left without us making an appointment in children's hospital with a cardiologist, you need to go right now they have an opening. The news we got after that was she had a complete AV canal defeat and would need it repaired by open heart surgery. Again numb, I was feeling less, felt like I had been in a bad dream that was never ending. So here we are patiently waiting to get a date for her surgery.

Besides talking to family, friends, co-workers, doctors, and early intervention, I have not talked to many people. For a very long time I felt completely alone, until I read "Days with Dylan" I started talking to Laurie, and although we haven't known each other long, I feel as if I made a life long friend. I contemplated making this blog, but as I read Days with Dylan and then other blogs attached to Laurie's blogs, I soon realized that by Blogging you meet new people, going through the same thing, or just meet new people along with get suggestions and advice on different situations that comes along with having a child with down syndrome or any child for that matter!! I am not an expert so I will need as much information as I can get, and advice.