the date*

okay so I am not the person to answer the house phone, I barely get up and look to see who is calling because if its of any importance my cell phone will ring right after, and if its an appointment then I will have it on the answer machine to remind me ( I forget very easy, hence the reason why I am missing my keys and tickets). Today started out like any other day, got up feed and gave Aubrey a bath- of course Tagen was already up and out of the house at "Work". After the kids were all set I got to take a shower. I had just stepped out of the shower to hear the house phone ring, something inside me said go get that. I ran down the hall and saw "Children's hosp" on the caller ID, my heart sunk and I answered the phone very with a slow hello, to hear hi Jessica, I'm calling to discuss the date for Aubrey's surgery- I say " yeah I have been dreading this phone call." she says she understands but does she really? because I was being serious I wasn't lying. So I say okay well tell me and tell me really fast. She starts telling me about what will happen in the pre- op which is Aug. 13th- she tells me its a Friday i say OHH GREAT FRIDAY THE 13TH can't wait for that. and surgery will be Monday Aug. 16th. We finished up and we hung up, and I was frozen, I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, no tears, no nothing, I was numb. I called Sam and held it together, I called my mother in law and held it together until I was getting ready to hung up, and from there the other phone calls I made, I couldn't control the tears. As of right now- how am I supposed to feel, can someone tell me what I need to be feeling? No what, I look at the calender and cross off the days until then? Can anyone tell me what to feel!? UGHHHH....