Monday, August 2, 2010

days go by..

The days are going by one by one, so fast yet so slow. I try to forget but it wont leave my head, I obsess over things I shouldn't be dwelling on, because for that hour or so I'm dwelling on something else, I am not consumed with the fact that in 2 weeks I will be handing my beautiful daughter/best friend to a bunch of doctor- who might I add are human and can also make mistakes, to fix her heart, to do medical procedures that will help shape the rest of her life. I have watched Boston Med, call me crazy but its just something I had to do, not to mention I have DVR ed all of them and watch them over and over again, I need to know, I need to have total control I want to know exactly what is going to go on behind the doors.

There is one part that I keep imagining over and over and over, and its the part I need to say " see you good luck I will be here when they are done with you" and kiss her for luck, and watch them walk away with her, how can I do that? I don't want to give her to them knowing what they need to do, knowing that she could be in pain, and I will never know because I am on the other side of the doors. I have always tried to be this strong person that would not let anything break me, but this has done it, I am broken, if I could I would go through the surgery for her.

Aubrey is so happy, and constantly smiling, she has progressed so much over the past couple weeks, she claps, and does the sing for "more" she can almost sit by herself :) she is so full of life, and when I am around her I can't be anything but happy, but at the same time so sad because I know whats coming, she is living as if nothing is wrong with her heart, shes not worried, or scared. I am thankful she doesn't know and I can do all the worrying for her, because I have felt helpless for so long. I sat down and had a conversation with Tagen explaining that we were going to have to go to a place to get Aubrey's heart fixed so it works like his, and she will have a booboo but it will get better, but mommy and daddy wont be around for a couple days but he can come and visit, and while we have to stay at this one place with Aubrey he gets to stay at many places and have fun all day long, of course he didn't understand he responded to me with " who will watch us if you and daddy are going away" and " if she has a booboo and need band aids she's not going to use mine is she?" He's so cute, and Innocent and he has no idea what is about to occur in his little sisters life. Which is better for him, because he doesn't need to be scared about what is going to happen. I guess it is just hard, I never thought I would have to deal with all this, and I guess I am just going through a lot, I have good days and bad days, nightmares and nights where all I can is cry. I try to make a plan but I know I wont be able to go through with it. I guess these next 2 weeks before the surgery and probably the 2 weeks after I am going to learn a lot about myself, as a person, a mother, an advocate, a wife, a friend, a daughter, and a sister.


  1. Thinking of you, Jessica, and sending lots of hugs your way.

    Do you have a day that works well to get together next week? I'll give you a call...

    Hang in there, my friend.

  2. next week is open Monday and Wednesday, would love to get together before everything- seeing Dylan will give me some reassuring!! Give me call or pick a day and let me know!

  3. Thinking of you guys! I, too, have watched BostonMed before and after! I remember handing Dominic to the nurse when he was 9 weeks old, for his first of the three spinal cord detetherings. It was awful, the worst, but I am here to tell you that we made it through and he is now 7 and has made it through a total of 6 surgeries in his short years. You can do this. Mom's are tougher than any other out there! They have to be for their kids! xo